End of March

Its been off and on, though overall, there's been improvement. Had a screwed up knee since last week, but again, improving so no big, just gimping around a bit. Huzzah for ice packs and Aleeve.

Daughter unwisely decided to get into a debate about the 'virtues' of bi/gay/lesbianism at church of all places a couple weeks ago, and pretty much got shut down - unsurprisingly. Honestly now, what did she think people there were going to say? They weren't unkind, but simply told her that they were trying to teach the kids there good morals, and this sort of thing wasn't in keeping with that.

Ah well, live and learn, neh?

In any case, attitudes improved overall, in spite of one fight that we all got over fine. Improved to the point that we let her go down to her first concert at a local club - sort of thing anyways. They do earlier shows for all ages, then after, clear out the kids so the adults can do their thing. Local bands, some of the guys from her school were in one, hence the advertising there and wanting to go. She had a great time, got 3 new cd's, came home happy. Things went well enough, we let her go swimming with friends the next day, and it turned out much the same - went well, had fun, wasn't bitchy at home. In spite of earlier protestations after the previous week's debacle, went to church without argument, all was well.

We've decided that we're not going to be doing the partial thing again if things happen to go south. She got nothing from it, everyone seems to think its a lot about attention and proving that we'll do whatever it takes to help her, so ... she needs to face things, and stand on her own two feet.

My work review went much better than expected - and yes, this is related to the above comment. One of my biggest concerns was attendance, and it turns out, my boss isn't so much concerned about that because apparently I'm there doing a good job most of the time, and when I couldn't be, I've done all I can to get a replacement, or give them notice - and those times were things that couldn't be avoided. She says she understands that with these sorts of jobs, the mother is trying to balance family with the rest, and that the burden of taking care of the kids, and appointments, and sick days, and all the rest, and that especially given what we've been dealing with, she isn't so concerned about all that. Assured me I'm doing a good job, and to not worry about having to take care of my fam - that they come first.

One less worry.

Son is doing fairly well - he's a happy little guy, no doubt about that. Very cuddly, very bubbly, very busy, and man does he love sharing what he's learning at school. Awesome. Still struggling with the bathroom problems, was told the ADHD and such was usually related, along with the anxiety and such about it.

He still struggles with getting frustrated and doing the whole shake-whimper-get upset thing, but I think that's just something we're going to have to deal with. Not so worried anymore, just know its what we have to handle, and so we do. We're not telling him he's been diagnosed with anything - its not that serious for one thing, and I'm not about to give him a crutch when he's doing pretty well, and loves learning. We know he requires a bit of help - but then, all kids do, so there you have it.

In any case, better than previous. I'm hoping it continues. Now to get the place in order enough that when my parents come out later this month they don't feel like they have to 'take care of things' for me. -_-

I know they mean well, but I tell you what - can do without the 'help' that way. Dad gets a bit too enthusiastic and we end up with more 'help' and supplies than we need, and I'm already at a loss for storage space, bless his heart.

The big news is I've got a new nephew as of last Thursday morning - and by all accounts, he's absolutely adorable. They brought him home Sunday, mom and baby are doing just fine, brother and sister are thrilled. I can't wait to get out there and see them, and the little niece we got last winter.

Here's to hoping this week will be even better.

The Week in Review

Well, been sick for all of it so far, which hasn't been terribly fun. The usual spring issues - bronchial trouble, wheezies, fairly serious sinus infection. Pretty much expected every spring and fall, just have to give it a good smackdown early on, an it'll clear up fairly well. One learns to live with it.

Daughter has been very helpful, nice, livable-with this week. Granted, been doing a lot of chasing up to the partial program and all, but what else can we do? More and more thinking what mom talked to me about might be it - separation anxiety etc.

Now I know, that might not make sense offhand, but as explained by a psychologist, it sorta pans.

Person is afraid of being abandoned or left or turned out, so, shuts people out first so they can't do it to her later. Rants a lot about going, but won't. Lots of ups and downs. Desperately wants to have connections, but continues to sabotage them due to being sorta messed up in the head. Worst with those they want the most approval and acceptance from.

Go fig.

I'm still trying to parse it all, but am not about to complain about nearly a week of good behavior and relative pleasantness. I only wonder when the next snap is going to happen. Will be in touch with her counselor, and hoping to set up more frequent visits - I think she really needs it.

Going to try and get her hair done - yes, gasp of shock, she WANTS me to cut and color her hair. Usually, its 'don't touch it!!!' but this time, she asked me to please work with it. Can't pass up this opportunity - and worse, can't mess up her hair or it'll be just one more bit of ammo she can use, and I can't have that. Keeping it simple. Hope to hell it works out. Nap first though. I'm exhausted.

Son - well son got diagnosed with ADHD. Not entirely surprised, all things considered, but I admit it bothers me a bit. The Good Thing is, doc sees no reason for medication. Its mild, it isn't interfering with his school work, an even though there are difficulties, we seem to be working around them. Other Good Thing - I apparently have stumbled on how best to help him at home on my own. That's right, I'm not a complete failure as a mother. Just mostly. Figured out how to do at least something the 'best' way, so we'll be continuing with how I've been working on helping him at home.

Things to look for - problems with friends, social issues, drop in school performance, more dramatic issues at home. Those three areas will determine if there are other steps we need to take.

So ... we watch, we wait, and we keep trying to help from our end and be understanding, while not using this as a crutch. Things still need to be done, expectations need to be met - he just requires a little more patience and direction is all.

Aaaaand my dogs are still a pain in the ass. Can't leave them out in the house for any amount of time without them finding something to tear the crap out of. And Jack can't seem to shut up long enough outside to not get into trouble. Left them out while I went to get daughter across town, maybe 30-40 mins, and while I was out, not home, neighbors called the cops due to his barking. Left a note on the door - 'warning'. Beauty.

I guess I shouldn't complain about what they do. Like have all their damn branches come down in our yard with no offer to help whatsoever. We don't have trees back there, its all theirs. Or their loud music they play all too often. Loud enough that I can hear it in my front room, over my tv. Or their kids leaving all their crap out in the back yard, trash blowing into ours, making more of a mess, building all manner of eyesores out there in the trees, for their bikes, ripping around in the new very loud motorized thing they're working on now ... yeah. Or having loud sex in their hot tub out back - the hot tub that is right out in the open, no covering, no nothing, which makes it impossible to be out there with kids. Yeah, this is the woman who cheated on her hubby, right there in her own home, forced him out of the house, and now parades her shackups in and out at all hours, with her kids there. Just brilliant. Or the other side, where we've had the cops and ambulance over due to domestic violence, the loud motorcycles (used to be considerate, no longer), their own barking dogs, who, unlike ours, were out ALL the time barking CONSTANTLY, not just sporadically, so much so that OUR dogs have been blamed for THEIR mutts. "No, I'm afraid you're mistaken - ours have been inside, sorry." Where now there's his bimbo waltzing around like she owns the place - said place having already been cleaned out under police supervision by his ex, who pretty much took everything.

No, nothing for ME to complain about here at all. God forbid my dog barks at the kids who've teased him continuously now and then when we let them out to pee.

Meh, screw it. Rant done, nap is now.

Weekend Blahs

Haven't heard back from the other elementary about the job yet. They'd said 'the next day or two', had hoped that would be the case - seeing as we're now into spring break, and won't be at school for the next week, and the job supposedly starts on the 23rd when we get back. I'd kinda like to give my present elementary the chance to get a replacement in before ditching, if I'm offered it ... and I'd kinda like to know wtf I'm going to be doing rather than sitting and stressing over it all, but hey. We don't always get what we want.

Daughter's being a gem. I'm certain when its time to get off the couch and clean a bit, she's going to just leap to the opportunity.

House is a mess from this past while. I'm tired, sinuses are driving me nuts, and the damn cats keep finding ways to get into cupboards and shred our toilet paper. I know, some of that sounds pretty trivial, and on some levels, kinda funny, but I'm just in no mood this morning. Didn't get enough sleep, feeling crabby, head hurts. Trying not to let it affect the rest of the fam.

So was it emotional last night and this morning. Takes a lot of patience and energy to get him talked down sometimes, and I admit, its wearing on me, just adding to the tired, mentally and otherwise. He's worth it, don't get me wrong - and honestly, he's been improving on account of it. I shouldn't complain, all things considered. But then, this is for my ranting and to get things outta my system so I don't misplace it all on my fam and all, so I guess I can complain a bit, here at least.

Supposed to be nice-ish today. 54 or so. Hoping so - tired of the cold. In any case, got a lot to try and get done this week. Isn't going to be much of a vacation, but we'll see how it goes.

Daughter has Partials from 8:30am-1:30pm every weekday this week - will be 8am-3pm once we're done with spring break.

Son really really wanted to do Livewires this week - his after school program. We're paying for it anyway, and they said he'd be more than welcome. He'll go around noon to 4pm, get to go swimming, roller skating, and pretty much play with his friends and have fun for a few hours. I'm glad he's enjoying it so much, and that we've got a good program like this he can take part in. And that my folks are kind enough to pay for it.

Pondering going through daughter's room and really giving it a thorough cleaning, and getting ri of a bunch of stuff that's either cluttering the place up, or that she doesn't need to have in there. I mean hell, most of the time I can't even walk into her room from the clutter, clothes thrown everywhere, etc. If it doesn't need tossing, we can put it in storage. Dunno, will see.

I just gotta get motivated and get some energy somehow. Too much needs doing, feeling more than a little overwhelmed.

EDIT:Yeah, just got a call. Didn't get the job. Offered it to someone else, but was told that if it pops up again, please be sure and apply.

Mixed feelings, really. At least I don't have to fuss about it now.

Just Can't Win

Got up this morning with every intention of the day going well.

See, had a very good job interview yesterday, in hopes, maybe, that I'll get to transfer schools so I can work at the same one son is at. Should know hopefully by tomorrow. We'll see how it all goes.

In any case, that went well. Night with daughter, not so much. Flipped out over us asking her to wear her damned winter coat while it was blowing and in the negatives last night. Refused. Got extremely rude about it. Disrespectful. Got tired of it. Demanded phone. She downright refused, got nastier. I decided screw it, asked il marito to take her, took the next hour to try and cool down and ponder options.

She told her leaders at church she was pondering suicide, harming herself, wanting me dead, etc. Lovely, really. Just lovely. Got them worried. They talked to bishop. He called us. Mess.

Leads into today. Called the Partial program up at the hospital, like I've been doing for several weeks now, trying to secure a spot for her as soon as one opens.

Good news? They said they could start Monday so long as we signed in with the access center. Could do Friday, but Monday definitely.

Called access center. Got same day appt. Excellent. Called counselor, updated her on things. Il marito got daughter to her psych appointment this morning which largely concerned meds. All seemed well enough.

Got through all but the last 15 mins of the day, only to get a call from her school.

She'd been in to her dean's office twice - again, talk of suicide, self harm, and of course, wanting me dead and hating me in general. They couldn't let her back in school Friday on account - and could we just keep her home?

I have work.

I've been missing a lot of work since November to deal with all this, often, and in addition, the problems with son - who is also now in counseling, and being deeply affected by his sister's well, bullshit.

Il marito has missed some as well, helping out. He survived 3 layoffs, and had to take that 10% pay cut. He's worried for his job. They're demanding extra hours. They don't seem to give a shit about family issues.

So yeah, we both work. No, we do not have -any- family out here who could help. Nor any close friends we could just dump her on (nor would we ffs, that's asking a bit much).

Said I'd figure something out, understood why they couldn't take her.

Told work I wouldn't be in, explained why.

Called Partial program, asked if the offer for Friday was still open. Got confirmation, was thankful.

Called School back to say I thought I could manage working the morning, but would have to leave early.

Called il marito to update him on the situation.

Got there for the appointment at the access center. Answered all the questions put to me, listened to, sometimes added to or corrected daughter's statements and answers. Sat there and too abuse from the little snot nearly the entire time - yelling at me, cursing at me, blaming me for everything, and playing like she's the only one hurt or wronged by any of this.

I let it go. Maintained calm, steady voice. Just didn't look at her because I was having a hard enough time. "As you can see, it's been very difficult," seemed to sum up rather well after that little production.

The fact she's a damn liar doesn't help either. Can't tell what's real, what's fake, what's for attention, what's honestly a problem, nothing. Frustrating as hell, tell you what.

So, end of story, she starts tomorrow - short hours for spring break - 8:30am-1:30pm.

Didn't speak all the way home. Long drive.

Go to get son, work out next week's schedule with him. He really wants to go to the activities they're doing with the after school program. We're paying for it anyways, so ... letting him go over break. Noon or earlier to about 4pm or so. Not bad. Gives me time to go get crabbyass from across town, and then some. Brilliant.

At wits end tonight. Got leg cramps like you wouldn't believe. Tired as hell, stomach all stirred up, achy, feel like I just don't have the energy to get anything done - and a LOT needs done around here. Of course, no one else wants to do it, or help, either. Again, brilliant. Just bloody brilliant. More, no one seems to care about getting anything cleaned up besides me, and damned if that doesn't make one want to just give up.

Hoping I get a call tomorrow, one way or the other. No idea how this is going to pan. Need sleep, tired. So very damned tired now. Stupid time change hasn't helped.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Hope I can get son back in time for school.

Timing is Everything

And either I have no sense of it, or others insist on messing me up.

Monday I was supposed to have my job review in the morning, before we got solid into the day's real work - library first, see. Nice, easy start at work.

I was already nervous for a number of reasons. I always worry, whether I need to or not. Additional concerns are the obvious 'been absent more than I'd like due to having to take time off for my kid's appointments'. This administration has illustrated an interesting tendency to not being entirely um ... well, honest with us. Needless to say - concerned, yes. Over everything.

I went up front, waited for the other meeting to wrap up - and it didn't. Waited, waited, waited for 20 mins, and nothing. And just as I'm getting ready to head out, boss comes in and apologizes for the other meeting going over, and asks if we can reschedule.

Sure, no probs. Just another who knows how long fussing over the whole thing. It happens, though. Not really anyone's fault. Can do.

Get up this morning, head to work, get a call about the interview for the other recess position at the school my son is at that I was supposed to have this afternoon - double-booked, apologized, asked if we can reschedule for tomorrow.

Yeah, been tense about this one too - I always get tense over interviews and all. No idea if this will work out, if it'll be a good match, or what - and a part of me is really, really, really gonna miss my co-workers, and the kids I've gotten to know over the past 2 years. Really enjoy my job, love seeing the kids and all, and dammit, if it does work out, it'll be hard saying goodbye. The ladies I work with are absolutely fantastic, and I've really had a good time working with them. Them, and the kids, have made this job my favorite so far.

I hate change.

Yeah, so why am I even looking into it?

Well, son for the most part. Seeing if it'd help, me working at the same school. He's always asked about it. Says he'd love it. Dunno. If it'd help him, its more than worth it. There's also the problem with our administration and their manner of dealing with - or rather, not dealing with - problems and difficult kids out there. Its like the inmates running the asylum, so help me. It makes no sense how they just let them do what they like - ridiculous. And we get chewed out for doing our jobs? Right.

Crazy is what it is.

So anyways, yeah. Another day to worry and fuss over that. Stomach has been so stirred up that I've seemed to have heartburn nearly 24/7. Eat, don't eat, be careful with what I eat, doesn't matter - heartburn. Bleah. Damned annoying.

And worse, when I get to work, I start right in the library as usual, then check my email at 9:30 when we wrap things up, and before I get going on the 1st grade help we do before lunch. I find an email concerning moving the review appointment to - you guessed it - 9am this morning. When I checked the night before, they were doing maintenance and I couldn't log in. And usually, I don't -have- any pertinent email that I need to bother with. We're recess. We're outside, with no computers. If not for our library time, we wouldn't have -any- computer access at work.

Better? Boss knows exactly where we're all at in the morning. Could have called the library. Could have paged. Hell, could have told me yesterday at school before I left for son's appointment, which I know she'd decided due to the timestamp on the email - prior to my leaving.

Nada.

Nothing.

No contact aside from that short email the morning before.

And, no followup today, even though I immediately emailed her back with an apology, an explanation, and asking if we could reschedule again.

I even saw her in the hall once, and she didn't say anything about it - I was busy with the 1st graders, nada.

No email as of 5:30 here tonight. At this point, I swear, I'm looking at it like ammo. Just one more nail for the coffin, so help me.

Probably being negative, yes. Guess we'll see.

Somehow, just not looking forward to this review.

>_<

I seem to be using this thing more than I'd thought I would lately. Just have a lot to rant about, and don't really care to burden my friends with it all the damn time. Figure everyone's pretty much stopped looking anyways, or I'd not be messing with it. Just need an outlet. For some reason, it makes me feel better to just get it out and not have it all packed up inside.

We let daughter go out to a dance last night. She'd been over helping our neighbor move - long story, that. Ugly situation, was nice of her to offer to help, let that go. In any case, she'd been gone most of the day doing that, then wanted to go to the dance.

We debated, we fussed, we worried.

And then we let her go, after she'd gotten some simple chores done. No big.

She checked in as we'd asked, sounded like she was having fun. Then asked if she could go out to Perkins to grab something to eat late, and get a ride home with friends. Then they weren't going. Then they were again.

I knew it was late. I figured she'd been doing fairly well lately, and have been trying to show that good behavior is indeed rewarded with more privs. So after a discussion, we figured 'ok'.

Mistake.

She stayed out much later than we'd wanted. She ended up stopping by people's houses, which had not been in the agreement. She'd hung around people smoking - and we have had to implement a very strict rule concerning that, given her previous issues with smoking herself. Bottom line is 'no smoking, no hanging around people while they are smoking - call us, we'll come get you'. Then she tells us her ride 'ditched her' thinking she was staying at the last place they'd been to, and she had to get another ride, hence, late.

Of course, once she got home and was explaining all this, though we tried to remain calm and collected, she started getting mighty snarky about it all, and for one, refused to go take a damn shower to get the smell out. Ick.

Well, attitude = altitude, and at this rate, she can consider herself 'grounded' for a while concerning that sort of activity. Trust is deucedly hard to earn back, and this sort of thing, coupled with the attitude she gave us, does not help in the least.

Dammit, I want her to be able to go and have fun, but not at the expense of her safety and responsibilities.

Next fun thing on the docket - our basement is leaking. No wonder we got this place cheaper at the time. Between the damn pharoah ants in the summer, and the water issues in the spring, GRR!

We've got cracks in the basement floor, and water is leaching up through them. I've been doing some research, and it seems they can be patched, but ffs - what next? We already had to remove the carpet down there and got some things mildly ruined when the sump pump went out on us. Damn thing was going off every 20 seconds down there tonight - you could stand there and just watch the barrel fill up rapidly. Amazing.

So we made sure that's running alright, got the sensor switch back in place and its going off fairly regularly now. But the cracks ... ugh. *facepalms* That is gonna be a helluva chore, and I've already got so many on my plate right now, I feel like I'm slowly drowning in 'must do's.

Stupid time change has got me off on my sleep, had a hard time sleeping last night anyways due to il marito's snoring - he's got a cold, makes his breathing worse, and he was already bad with snoring to begin with, but this made it simply unbearable - added to the thunder and lightning and storming going on, added as well to the already tenseness I've been going through worrying about all this stuff I have on my plate, and whether or not I'm making the right decisions, etc.

Drowning slowly, yup. Not ready to toss in the towel yet, but damn, are my arms getting tired from treading water.

The Good, The Bad, and The Stupid

First, The Good:

Got my review set up for the 9th - we'll see how that flies. Next day, I have an interview for the same position I'm working, but at my son's school. Also, we'll see how that goes, but as I just talked to them about it yesterday, sent in my letter of interest this morning, and got a response back that quickly, I'm hoping it bodes well. It might be a very good thing for son - he would very much like me to work there. He's doing very well in school, advanced with his reading and comprehension and all that - PT conference was great - just needs to settle down and focus on the task at hand in class most of the time.

We'll see.

Also good - il marito still has a job. Cannot discount that, however worried we get about it. They're going into their busy season - sports and all. Apparently, though they've let others go, and cut wages, they're hiring for production.

We'll see.

Also good - daughter has been having a better week. We're on pleasant speaking terms lately. No idea how long it will last, how sincere it is, or any of that, but ...

We'll see.

The Bad:

Still no opening at the outpatient program for daughter. Still issues to be discussed there. Things like hating her body, claiming an 'addiction to pain', etc. Worrisome. We're on the list. I keep calling just to make sure. Nothing yet.

Gotta wait and see.

Son has been extremely emotional lately. To the point of 'what in hell is wrong with this kid crying just because I asked him to wash his hands ffs' emotional. He keeps wanting to sleep in with us. He's been extra clingy, more snuggly than usual - which is, granted, pretty snuggly anyways. Not sure what all is going on, but hey - that's why we're taking him to this appointment today - assessment with the psychiatrist. Part 2 of 3. Not sure what we'll learn from all this but hey.

Gotta wait and see.

I'm having a hard time staying cheerful and motivated. The house continues to decline in my opinion. I just want to wave a magic wand and have it all clean and perfect. Then take a long, long nap somewhere warm and peaceful where I don't have to feel this nagging feeling of impending doom eating away at my stomach all the damn time. Its been bad enough that even though we switched my prescription down to the lower level of meds, when they asked which for the refill, I took the higher one. Gotta keep sane. Gotta keep from freaking out.

Gotta wait and see.

And last, The Stupid:

Forgot to wear my seatbelt when going back to pick up son last night. Some asshat cop SCREECHED into a u-turn in the intersection, and RACED to catch up to me as I slowly pulled into the school parking lot - his lights flashing.

I wasn't speeding.

I wasn't endangering anyone else.

He acted like a complete idiot and put everyone around there at risk with his reckless driving, IN A SCHOOL ZONE NO LESS, and was completely unapologetic about any of it.

All so he could give me a seatbelt ticket which is going to cost - get this - nearly $100.

What. The. Hell.

I was so angry I half wanted to reach out and bash his smarmy nazi-cop face into my doorframe. There will be complaints. OH YES, there will be complaints.

Too bad my faith in our so-called 'justice' system is more like 'faith we'll get screwed over by it more times than we'll be helped by it'.

Stabbitykilldeath.

Dogs. Can't live with 'em, can't eat 'em.

So I let young son lock up the dogs the other day. He's done it before. He likes to help. I thought he got the catches done right - they're not difficult. Lift, twist, slide, twist, drop. Done.

Got a brief message from the hubby some time later. See, the power had gone out at his place of work, and they had finally sent them home. He had just gotten there, when he got a call saying "OH HAI! POWR BAK! WURK NAO!"

Needless to say, he was not pleased. At all.

Now here's where those two stories meet:

The dogs had managed to escape their sizeable crate, and had in the two short hours I had been at work managed to annihilate the basement.

I do not use that term lightly.

Il marito was, in a word, FURIOUS. The garbage can we'd had down there was, along with its contents, strewn and chewn and shredded across the entirety of the room, along with bits of laundry from the other room, papers and books from the stacks in there, various other whatsis they'd managed to jump around and find ... a big damned HOLE was chewed in one of my nice pairs of pants ffs.

I am still beside myself with KILLKILLSTABBITYKILLDEATH thoughts and visions and wondering, not for the first time, why in HELL we got dogs to begin with.

Nevermind how nice they are, how good with the kids, how loyal and loveable and all that.

BIG. DAMNED. MESSES.

This by the way, is not the first time. No indeed not. The last time, they had the WHOLE workday to destroy things. And poop. And yak up bad stuff they'd eaten. In fact, my stupid little dog ended up pooping out a big long string of leather he'd chewed off an awards necklace and couldn't digest. Grossest thing I think I've seen in a long while, him running up with that dangling out his backside.

Seriously. WTF were we thinking.

The cats? Worst thing they've done so far is break a vase, and shred toilet paper whenever they find it. Fuzzy little bounders.

I give up.

So help me, even if it isn't kids, its something around here. And quite frankly, I'm not sure how much longer I can take all the drama, and mess, and being so bloody tired all the time.

Stupid dogs.

Stupid need for sleep.

Stupid lack of magical powers that allow me to fix everything with a wave of my wand.

Its times like these I understand why daughter prefers the fantasy world over reality to the point of worrisomeness. Its more fun and less stressful than this one.

Meh.

Not much to report today.

No room in the program. Might not be room until after next week. I'm not even sure how much good it will do, all things considered. Last time, she was the one taking the group off-track rather than getting actual help out of it by the end of the month.

I still can't get her to do anything. She wants what she wants, and says if she gets what she wants, THEN she might cooperate.

It doesn't work that way, and I'm not gonna cave to that sort of outright disrespect and shitty attitude. She lost her privs because of her actions and words and all that. She's sure as hell not getting them back just because she says so.

"We get our privs the old fashioned way - we EARN them."

Damn skippy.

I'm just glad its the weekend finally. Please lord, let it be a peaceable one.

The hits just keep on coming ...

So yesterday it was counselor time. Went down, discussed at length all the fun things going on, showed photocopies of things written and such. Of course - options are limited. There just aren't a lot of local workable programs available for help. Suggestion was made to get daughter back in the partials program at the hospital, which means instead of dropping her off at school, I run her clear across town, over the river to get there at 8am, then try to get son and self back in time for school/work.

After speaking with daughter, I was called back in the office, and informed that it was no longer a suggestion - it was seriously needed. She's gone back to hurting herself, and its clear as the psychologist put it, that she's hitting that 'psychotic break' point, and her behavior has gone past the point of 'we can work through it'. Although all in all, aside from getting whatever help we can, what we're being told is 'hang tough'.

Bloody helpful, that.

Things continue to be unpleasant. Daughter barely notices my existence, and I can't bring myself to talk much to her given the things I've had to put up with lately. The night doesn't go much better - in fact it gets worse.

Wednesday nights she has a youth group activity with the church. Fantastic ladies running it, fun girls attending with. They've all been concerned about her, and trying to get her more involved - not that she's been too keen on that. We get there late, after much arguing, and she proceeds to lay down across the chairs and pretend to sleep. Then curls up on them sitting up and mope, and not respond much to any efforts by others to cheer her up, or get her involved in the fun. Next thing I know she's turned on the tears, and tells me we're going home, now. She goes so far as to use 'fuck' and other choice words right there at the church. I inform her she is not to use that sort of language - there of all places - and she just spews more nasty and goes on about how its all 'crap' and she doesn't believe in 'any of this bs'.

I don't know what else to do, so I send her out in the hall, apologize to everyone, try to set up a meeting with our bishop - for my sanity because at this point, I'm losing it - then take the little shit home. She gets sent right to her room after taking her meds, and I don't see her til morning.

Still feeling sick to my stomach, knowing I can't miss any more work, I get up and get going with the routine. I call to see what can be set up with the partials program, deal with explaining to her that they don't have any openings yet, and she just has to keep going to school as usual til they do - which may be as early as Monday, thank heavens. Get her to school, not much of nything is said - then I get this:

"Sorry I've been so snappy lately. I've just been upset and don't know why."

I tell her I hope she has a good day as she gets out of the car. More than I expected, less than I deserve, but you take what you can get.

Kelson has rough morning, very emotional, takes all I can to not raise my voice, to reassure him, and make sure he at least gets off to school without a total meltdown. This of course, makes me late.

On the way to work, I make my usual morning call to hubby and get the wonderful news that he'd just gotten out of a meeting, and been told that while he'd survived another round of layoffs, all the salaried employees, including him, would be receiving a 10% pay cut.

That's right - 10% of our income up in smoke, effective immediately. Do not pass GO, do not collect ... well yeah. Go straight to JAIL, pay fine. Continually. And oh, by the way - you're still expected to work over your 40hrs/week WITHOUT PAY, because we say so, and whatcha gonna do about it, quit? In this market? Are you insane? Yeah, didn't think so. Suck it up, bitches.

Needless to say, my morning got off to a brilliant start.

Felt sick all day. Tried to make what calls and arrangements I could on breaks between recesses. Found out that the $52/mo fee they quoted me for after school care for son, was lies - it's $66/week.

Yes, you read that right. Per. Week. Added to more hospital bills that we just went into debt paying off last week. Added to the 10% income cut. Added to the lack of income on my part for all the time I'm having to take off school to deal with my kid's psychological issues and seemingly making myself sick with the stress of it all.

Now add to the fact that I can't seem to get any help or support with housework most of the time, I feel overloaded emotionally, physically, mentally, no one seems to give a damn if things are a mess, and I feel guilty asking husband for help when I know he's feeling a lot the same too.

Its like a downward spiral and I don't know how to stop it or make it better. And I don't know what else to do but keep going.

I guess we'll see what the next week brings. I'm ready for this one to be over.